Thursday, July 22, 2010

Torn

As I've mentioned before I love to read. I like to read a variety of books, some on autism, biographies, historical fiction, and an occasional mystery. I've also mentioned before that I'm trying to keep balance in my life. I'm easily consumed by guilt, fear of the future, and other burdens around me. When I become consumed I stop taking care of myself and become hyper focused, usually on the a-word (autism). Funny enough this always shows up in my reading.

For example, a few weeks ago I read Making Sense of Children's Thinking and Behavior, One, Two, Three Potty!, re-read Building Bridges through Sensory Integration... and then a little red flag went up in my mind. The vicious cycle was starting again, I wasn't putting on makeup, was spending way too much time looking up research papers, and my family was irritating me, I was back on the familiar road of losing myself.

At this point in my life you would think this wouldn't be an issue. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself, but it's so easy to let myself go. Sometimes when I take care of myself I feel guilty. You see this is where my feelings and my head don't match up. My feelings of love for my family drive me to find answers, to make things better, go further. However, my head says don't do this again, you've got to take care of yourself, you are not being selfish. So often times living in balance for me means balancing between what I know and how I feel. It's a strange conflicting place to be at times.

That's how life really is for me. People say I'm a great mom, advocate, whatever... really I'm a person who is often torn and makes lots of mistakes, sometimes the same mistakes over and over again. I imagine if you're reading this I'm just like you trying to do the best I can.

4 comments:

Chynna said...

Bonnie, my friend. I can completely relate. In fact, I've been posting about it ALOT! Torn is a great word to describe it too.

There are times when I am so productive and confident about what we're doing here. Then there are other weeks, like the past few, where I've felt...'lost', wondering what the heck I'm doing or if I'm doing it 'right' or if it matters. For me that's when I know I need a break--I've been focusing too much on others. And the funny thing is I feel guilty about even THINKING about going off by myself.

But I've been gently reminded lately that when we don't take that needed break...that time to care for ourselves...it makes us get into that 'torn' frame of mind that can be hard to get out of.

Let's inspire each other to get out there for some needed 'Me Time'...a brain break from all of the daily stressors. It's good for the heart and for the soul.

If you remind me to, I'll do the same for you. =)

Love,
Chynna
www.lilywolfwords.ca
www.the-gift-blog.com
www.seethewhiteelephants.blogspot.com

FraggleMom said...

absolutely can relate! its tough to strike a balance

Sue from Oz said...

DH (darling husband) and I have both commented lately on how the a-word takes over our thinking. We've actually scheduled a weekly meeting with each other to talk about what we're doing and where we're up to with both kids to give ourselves permission to think about other things (ie ourselves) in between times.
I don't know about you, but my other problem is that when I get a routine of doing something good for myself (eg exercise), one little spanner in the works (eg. a cold) and I can't get over the hump to get started again.
Thanks for posting Bonnie

Casdok said...

And i can relate too!