Death Sucks

Lately I've had a morbid infatuation with death.  I'm watching zombie movies, asking people about their experiences with death, my ears perk up when I hear anyone approach the subject.  I can't stop thinking about it I can't stop talking about it.  I seem to be weaving death into every conversation.  I even brought death up with one of my bubbly sales reps...

Awkward pause...

And then I knew it.  I've turned into a grieved, death obsessed weirdo and I've got to control myself.  At least I have to control myself while at work.  At home I'm free to watch all the zombie movies, Walking Dead episodes (yes I'm a fan does that offend you???), talk about death, talk about my mom all I want.  I talk then become tired and fall asleep... and my family still loves me.  I'm glad they love me because my death talk doesn't always make sense.  Who knows, this post probably doesn't make sense.  But it doesn't matter because the way my Mom's death went down still doesn't make sense to me.

She suffered.  She suffered and I held her hand through it.  Have you ever been glued to a situation and part of you didn't want to leave, but the other part wanted to run away screaming madly to somewhere?

That's what it was like for me.  I couldn't stand to watch her suffer and I couldn't stand to have her alone in her suffering and so I stayed.  I stayed and held her hand, and cleaned up her vomit, and prayed...

and then God didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted Him too.

I never wanted something so desperately and I didn't get it from God.  It's not like my prayer was selfish, I just wanted the suffering, the vomiting, the nausea, the pain... I wanted it to stop and it didn't.  So now I just feel so angry.  I'm mad that my loving, kind, fun, people lovin' Mama had to suffer. God could have helped the suffering and He didn't.  I don't understand why He didn't.  It was ugly, it was hard and I hate that it happened.

Death sucks

The Process of dying sucks even more.

I hate that all of us will have to face it.

Like I said you probably don't want to read this blog.

Grief

Well for over a year now my blog has been quiet.  I haven't had much time or energy for writing.  In the summer of 2012 my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Let me just start right of by saying CANCER SUCKS.  I packed up her home and she came to live with me and we fought like crazy to beat it, but in the end she didn't make it.

Here is my favorite picture of her:

I love it because this is how I think of her funny, vivacious, welcoming.  She thoroughly enjoyed people and she thoroughly enjoyed me.  So I think for awhile I'm going to write about her.

Cancer sucks

Grief sucks

and Death is not easy...

You may not want to read my blog for awhile.

Thunder Shirt for People

My kids showed me the above video of this cat.  It was kind of cute but when the cat put on the Thundershirt it just didn't want to move.  Then I had a thought thunder shirts for people are basically weighted vests.  They can be incredibly calming and comforting for some and ineffective for others.  I've seen weighted vests work wonders for some, allowing them to feel calm and focused.  I've seen others who absolutely hate it.  So as in the case of the cat make sure it is calming and if you do try a weighted vest or neck wrap and it doesn't work - take it off!

5 Great Gifts for Autistic Teenagers and Those with Aspergers

Here are my top five favorite gifts for teens on the autism spectrum.  I decided to write this post because I see lots of gift ideas for younger children with autism, but there's not much out there for teens.  When looking for a gift for an autistic teen I ask myself two questions: will they enjoy it?  Is it socially appropriate?  I can't stand to see teens on the spectrum play with baby toys!  I'm not saying its wrong, I'm just saying there may be other options.  With that said here are my top five gift picks for 2012.

Tangle Chrome
I love tangle toys.  They are interesting to look at, great fidgets and come in lots of styles.  For teens my absolute favorite is the Tangle Chrome Jr.  First of all it looks beautiful and appropriate for a teen.  Second of all it is made of chrome so it has some weight, which feels good in the hands.  This is a very sturdy toy made of metal.  That is also a benefit but if your teen bites things this will break his or her teeth.  If they throw things then this is not the gift to get.  My son absolutely loved this gift. 

Jellyfish Lamp
The Jellyfish Lamp is gorgeous and looks great in a teenagers room.  Turn on this lamp and watch jellyfish glide around in the water with a slowly changing LED light backdrop.  This also works well as a nightlight and will automatically shut off after four hours.  If the autistic teen you are buying for is highly visual they will love it!  Some other good gift lamps include a Volcano Lamp, Disco Ball or the Vision Motion Lamp.

Rollick
This is a team version of the classic charades game.  Its fun to play as a group and can also help autistic teens work on group interaction skills, understanding body language and nonverbal cues.  It's fun to play as a family and since its group oriented your autistic teen can have fun playing without a lot of pressure to win and learn some social skills at the same time.

Kanoodle

This is a three dimensional puzzle game.  It comes with interconnected colored spheres of different shapes.  Teens must build different puzzle shapes using the correct colors and configurations.  This inexpensive gift is really fun for highly visual teens and it comes with a plastic storage box and a full color book with puzzle challenges.  Take this game to a restaurant or in the car while you are traveling to help keep teens with autism or Asperger Syndrome happily occupied.



Isoflex Ball
Life is stressful, this little stress ball looks socially appropriate for teens and makes a great stocking stuffer.

This is just my list of favorites for 2012.  I wrote more about how to choose a gift for an autistic teen in an earlier post that offers some general tips.  Happy Shopping!

Life is Up and Down but God is Consistent

Life is so inconsistent.  I'm so inconsistent. One this is unchanging and that is God.  Here are some of my favorite promises from Him:

• He will go with you, sustain you and strengthen you. Psalm 89:21,22
• He will be your confidence Prov 3:21,26
• You do not labor in vain. Isaiah 65:23
• God will restore your soul. Psalm 23:3
• If you mess up God will forgive you. Isaiah 55:7
• He will guide you when life gets hard. Psalm 25:9
• He will strengthen your heart and make you a stronger person. Psalm 27:14
• Angels are encamped around you. Psalm 27:14
• He will replace your tears with joy. Psalm 126:5

10 Things I Am Grateful For

Thankfulness

Today before I get caught up in the business of everything I just want to stop and meditate on what I'm thankful for.  I have so much to be thankful for - here is my quick list:

1. God loves me and what He wants most from me is that I love Him back.
2. My health.
3. My mind.
4. My family.
5. I have a comfortable home.
6. I love my job.
7. I have pleanty to eat.
8. I have several friends.
9. My son will graduate this year and will go to community college next fall.
10. Coffee - my simple morning pleasure.

My list could go on and on, but these are the first ten things that came to mind.  I hope you stop sometime today and meditate on what you are thankful for! 

Mercy

For the next week or so I’m contemplating mercy. A simple definition of mercy according to my Google search is, “Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm, "the boy was begging for mercy.”  An event to be grateful for, because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.”

I started to look at some verses from the Bible on mercy and the first verses I came across are in Exodus 25.  In this chapter God gives the Israelites the guidelines for making the "mercy seat."  God commands the Israelites to basically make a box and the box top is the mercy seat.  On top of the box he tells them to put two cherubs turned toward the mercy seat.  So they are in effect "watching" it (Exodus 25:19-20). 

So whats inside the box?  Inside the box God tells the Israelites to put the "testimony" He is going to give them.  Then He tells them to cover the box with the mercy seat (Ex 25:20-22). So what do they do with the mercy seat?  They cover the mercy seat with sacrifices.  God tells the priests to “take some of the blood of the bull and sprinkle it with his finger on the mercy seat.” Leviticus 16:13-15 

At this place God says, “here I will meet with you”(Ex 25:22).

God paints for us a picture of mercy and its this: mercy is sacrifice covering the story of God in your life so that others can see it.  

Its during these times that God meets us and believe me we need it.  The truth is mercy is not easy, it often requires sacrifice.  The ultimate sacrifice is physical death - to die for another when they don’t deserve it.  But there are other sacrifices that cause us to die to “ourselves” so to speak and I’m in that situation now.

As I watch my husband struggle with depression he often doesn’t have the energy to meet my needs.  I see a world of God’s beauty and grace but He often can’t see it.  I must keep my focus on Christ so I wont get pulled down to the place he is at and its not easy.  Harsh words come easily with requests for forgiveness.  Do I forgive or do I make him pay?  Its my choice to be forgiving, to extend mercy, and my friends over time sometimes this hurts.  Sometimes I'm merciful, and sometimes the best thing I can do is just keep my mouth shut and pray.  I’m still learning how to be merciful and believe me I am no Mother Teresa!

Thus, mercy usually involves sacrifice which means it often hurts.  It means giving up your rights, continually looking for the best in another, seeking Gods strength...  Fortunately, its during these times that God will meet you.  He is meeting me and He has met countless others before me.  When our testimony or “life story” is covered in mercy others will see it.  What they will do with it, I don’t know, but I do know this: it pleases God, it makes us more like God, and ultimately it draws us closer to God.

May the Lord have mercy on us all!