Life is Up and Down but God is Consistent

Life is so inconsistent.  I'm so inconsistent. One this is unchanging and that is God.  Here are some of my favorite promises from Him:

• He will go with you, sustain you and strengthen you. Psalm 89:21,22
• He will be your confidence Prov 3:21,26
• You do not labor in vain. Isaiah 65:23
• God will restore your soul. Psalm 23:3
• If you mess up God will forgive you. Isaiah 55:7
• He will guide you when life gets hard. Psalm 25:9
• He will strengthen your heart and make you a stronger person. Psalm 27:14
• Angels are encamped around you. Psalm 27:14
• He will replace your tears with joy. Psalm 126:5

10 Things I Am Grateful For

Thankfulness

Today before I get caught up in the business of everything I just want to stop and meditate on what I'm thankful for.  I have so much to be thankful for - here is my quick list:

1. God loves me and what He wants most from me is that I love Him back.
2. My health.
3. My mind.
4. My family.
5. I have a comfortable home.
6. I love my job.
7. I have pleanty to eat.
8. I have several friends.
9. My son will graduate this year and will go to community college next fall.
10. Coffee - my simple morning pleasure.

My list could go on and on, but these are the first ten things that came to mind.  I hope you stop sometime today and meditate on what you are thankful for! 

Mercy

For the next week or so I’m contemplating mercy. A simple definition of mercy according to my Google search is, “Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm, "the boy was begging for mercy.”  An event to be grateful for, because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.”

I started to look at some verses from the Bible on mercy and the first verses I came across are in Exodus 25.  In this chapter God gives the Israelites the guidelines for making the "mercy seat."  God commands the Israelites to basically make a box and the box top is the mercy seat.  On top of the box he tells them to put two cherubs turned toward the mercy seat.  So they are in effect "watching" it (Exodus 25:19-20). 

So whats inside the box?  Inside the box God tells the Israelites to put the "testimony" He is going to give them.  Then He tells them to cover the box with the mercy seat (Ex 25:20-22). So what do they do with the mercy seat?  They cover the mercy seat with sacrifices.  God tells the priests to “take some of the blood of the bull and sprinkle it with his finger on the mercy seat.” Leviticus 16:13-15 

At this place God says, “here I will meet with you”(Ex 25:22).

God paints for us a picture of mercy and its this: mercy is sacrifice covering the story of God in your life so that others can see it.  

Its during these times that God meets us and believe me we need it.  The truth is mercy is not easy, it often requires sacrifice.  The ultimate sacrifice is physical death - to die for another when they don’t deserve it.  But there are other sacrifices that cause us to die to “ourselves” so to speak and I’m in that situation now.

As I watch my husband struggle with depression he often doesn’t have the energy to meet my needs.  I see a world of God’s beauty and grace but He often can’t see it.  I must keep my focus on Christ so I wont get pulled down to the place he is at and its not easy.  Harsh words come easily with requests for forgiveness.  Do I forgive or do I make him pay?  Its my choice to be forgiving, to extend mercy, and my friends over time sometimes this hurts.  Sometimes I'm merciful, and sometimes the best thing I can do is just keep my mouth shut and pray.  I’m still learning how to be merciful and believe me I am no Mother Teresa!

Thus, mercy usually involves sacrifice which means it often hurts.  It means giving up your rights, continually looking for the best in another, seeking Gods strength...  Fortunately, its during these times that God will meet you.  He is meeting me and He has met countless others before me.  When our testimony or “life story” is covered in mercy others will see it.  What they will do with it, I don’t know, but I do know this: it pleases God, it makes us more like God, and ultimately it draws us closer to God.

May the Lord have mercy on us all!  

When God Interrupts Your Schedule

Recently I was in New York City, trolling a huge toy fair trying to find suitable toys for kids on the spectrum. This is my favorite part of working at National Autism Resources. I love to find new things, fun things, helpful things, things I wish I would've had. The good news is I found about five new things, which is a lot for me!

On the last day of the show I realized I hadn't seen a large part of the show. I woke up early, downed some coffee and headed to the show. I moved quickly from booth to booth and as I made progress I decided to to skip lunch and see if I could finish seeing everything. By two o'clock I was done, I grabbed my coat, and started for the taxi.

I decided to go to the airport early and eat at one of the restaurants there. Before I got to the taxi stand I noticed a line for the shuttle, it was due to leave for the airport. So I bought a ticket and waited for the shuttle. The shuttle was fifteen minutes late, then thirty, then forty and soon it was over an hour late. People started getting angry.

Over an hour later, we find out the shuttle has broken down and another one is on the way. Now I've gone from getting to the airport early, to arriving on time. I took a deep breath and felt peaceful. After all, what's the worse that could happen? I miss my flight, and have to reschedule another one. When the shuttle shows up its ninety minutes late and many in our group are loud and angry. A man standing next to me turned and said, "you don't seem to be too upset."

I replied, "I'm not. Getting upset won't get me to the airport earlier, so I'm not worried."

He introduced himself and asked for my card. When he saw what I did he became very excited and asked if he could show me his online platform, that he thought autistic kids would love. I said sure and at 4:00pm our shuttle showed up and we moved into NYC rush hour traffic.

The man introduced himself as Gaston and proceeded to tell me all about his online platform, how it started, why it started and what made it special. At one point he lamented that he couldn't show me any video, so I took out my I phone and he showed me every video he had. After awhile it became apparent that Gaston had run out of things to say.

At 4:30 we started to talk about personal things. I shared with him about my life, my children and the peace I have that comes from God. He shared how he constantly felt angry/guilty/angry with God. How he was going to have a child and decided that she would grow up without knowing God. So for the next half hour I talked to him about God's goodness, kindness, patience and love. By the time we got to the airport, my plane was do to leave in 45 minutes. I quickly grabbed my suitcase, Gaston wished me well as I ran into the terminal.

I didn't have my ticket printed and there was a huge line. Fortunately, I pulled up my receipt on my phone and showed it to a JetBlue attendant. He walked over and printed my ticket and walked me over to security. (It pays to travel like crazy!) I thought, my goodness I may make my flight, and then we turned the corner and saw the security line, the attendant said, "I'm sorry but I can't help you with this!"

I stood in line and silently thanked God for getting me this far and for the chance to talk to Gaston even if I miss my flight. As soon as I finished the prayer a new section of security opened and my line broke in half! Wow, I thought, "I just might make it" and then the line broke again. I walked straight and turned to a line with only three people in it! I prayed, "thank you Lord, I think I will make it." When it was my turn I was really happy, and then I heard the a man say, "you've been randomly selected for a security check."

Oh no, really, I'm this close.. I was bummed as I stepped out of line. An officer walked me to a side machine, wiped my hands with a piece of paper, tested it under a laser and pronounced "You're fine to go."

I grabbed my stuff and started running to my terminal. I heard them starting to board my flight. By this time I was so hungry I quickly prayed, "please help me Lord" and ran through an airport shop grabbed a salad, payed cash and kept running. By the time I got to my terminal I was the last in line to board my section of the flight.

I sat down winded, but so thankful. My plan was to leave early and have a nice dinner at the airport, but God wanted me to talk to Gaston. Had the shuttle not been late we never would have met. Had the shuttle not been stuck in rush hour traffic we never would have had the time to talk about spiritual things. God let me spend absolutely as much time as possible talking to Gaston about His goodness.

I wish I could say I'm always patient, always peaceful, but my friends that's not the case. Even as I sit here I wonder how many times I've lost out on being used by God because I was unwilling to let my plans be interrupted.

Proverbs 16:9 says: In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

When Rumors Become Truths

The Internet is amazing to me because the amount of information we can get is incredibly vast. We can read the news, watch video interviews by experts, search professional databases all from the comfort of our home. There is lots, and lots, and lots of information out there. But is it true?

I have watched assumptions and rumors become truths. One glaring assumption that has become a "truth" - families of a child with autism are much more likely to divorce. I've heard this "truth" touted on TV shows, quoted in newspapers, blogs, you name it. However, the truth is - this is NOT true! As a matter of fact, parents of kids with autism are NOT more likely to divorce. You can read the research here.

But rumors are nothing new. I was reading today about Mary Magdalene, the former prostitute, or so I thought. After all there are Magdalene houses all over the world that minister to women of the night. Well in my study I was surprised to learn no where in the Bible is she referred to as a prostitute. It turns out that rumors have turned into truths for this woman. You can read all about her in Matthew 27:56; Matthew 27:61; Matthew 28:1; Mark 15:40; Mark 15:47; Mark 16:1-19; Luke 8:2; Luke 24:10; John 19:25; John 20:1-18. If you take the time to read it you'll find no reference to prostitution.

So once again I'm reminded there is nothing new "under the sun" and just because the majority of people believe something is true, does not mean it is.

This reminds me of a therapy, the gluten- and casein-free diet. Some claim it "cures" autism and others claim it's all just "wishful thinking" on the part of the parents. At this point the research says we need more research. Nothing is definitive, the GFCF diet may significantly help a subset of the autistic population. It didn't help my son, but I've heard many first hand reports from very logical parents that it did work for their children. At this point I'm going to assume these parents aren't morons.

I think part of the reason we don't hear "the GFCF diet might work" in the media is because it's not exciting. It's not like saying she's a prostitute, or here's the cure, or those parents are just delusional.

Everyone is clamoring to be heard on the Internet, so where does that leave us, the common person. It leaves us with the responsibility of digging a little deeper. Thankfully, with the Internet you can e-mail a newspaper, professional expert or blogger and ask where they found their information. Can you send me the links? By the way, for the most part I've included my references, but if you want more information on anything I've referred to feel free to ask me.

Some Things Can't Be Fixed

On Father's day I was reading the Bible. I came across Genesis 29:32-35. It's a passage from the story of Leah a woman who's husband didn't love her. Her husband really loved her sister Rachel, but he was tricked into marrying her and after one week of marriage her husband married her sister too.

Genesis 29:32-35:
Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”

She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon.

Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.

She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the LORD.” So she named him Judah.

I was struck by this passage for a couple of reasons, first of all thank God I'm not Leah! I can't imagine the heart ache of sharing a husband AND not being the favorite. Had I been in her situation I would have begged for change too. I would have looked at every wonderful thing happening and been sure that God was fixing my situation and making it better...

but some things can't be fixed.

Some things can't be fixed. Does that statement bother you the way it bothers me? I know God is all powerful, I know He can do anything, I know with determination and God's help I can accomplish great things. But I have found that no matter how many band-aids, prayers or hours I put into some things - they just can't be fixed because we live in a broken world.

However, some things can change and what I noticed in this passage was that Leah's perspective changed. She moved from "now my husband will love me" to "I will praise the God who loves me." Subtle but huge. Did she still wish her husband loved her? I'm gonna take a guess and say yes. Was this wish her central focus? After the fourth son, no.

When we're caught up in what we want fixed we miss out on what we could already have. I can think of nothing better than enjoying a loving God who is close to us, interested in the daily stuff of our lives, who works things out for our good in the end, who gives us peace, guidance and the unconditional love all of us crave (including Leah)!

Some things can't be fixed, but God is waiting to walk with us if we'll change our perspective.

Overwhelmed with Gratefulness

This morning I woke up and felt overwhelmed with gratefulness. I have so much to be thankful for – I’m one of the richest women in the world. As a matter fact, if you’re reading this you’re one of the richest people in the world too. If you have a computer, plenty of food to eat, a roof over your head and live in relative safety, compared to the rest of the world you are rich. Anyhow, that’s a subject for another post.

Today I just want to list a few of the things I’m grateful for in no particular order:

My family: They love me, they drive me crazy, and they bring me more joy than I could have ever imagined.

My friends: Those who know me well know I have entrenched hermit tendencies. I love nothing better than to sit in the corner and read a book or write a paper or research something. Yet these friends of mine keep calling, keep e-mailing, and keep visiting me even though at times I’m prone to depression.

My health: I have access to healthcare, a cabinet full of drugs and first aid supplies, and I’m a 10 min. drive from the hospital. Just for clarification those drugs I mentioned are all legal.

My mind: What more can I say about this? If you’re reading this and have clarity of thought you have a tremendous gift. I’ve met many people through age or injury that have lost this.

God loves me. I don’t believe God is far away he is up close and real. He helps me when I’m weak, shows me the way when I’m lost, comforts me when I’m sad and is my constant companion.

Today don’t get caught up in all those things you don’t have. I’ve met so many people who always seem to be looking ahead and never stop to just look around. The world is a beautiful place and life is a wonderful gift so enjoy it my friends.

“For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” 2 Timothy 6:7-8

Everyone Wants Loving Relationships

This year I stepped out of my comfort zone and started working with Junior Highers at my church. I did this because Grace is in the 8th grade and I wanted to do something with her together. The truth is I was scared!

I've heard lots about how hard it is to work with teens and tweens. How they can be disrespectful, run you over... What I've found is that the teens and tweens I've been working with just want a relationship. They want to know someone is interested in them, praying for them, and enjoys their company. Even if that someone is a middle aged Mom or Dad who is cluless on the latest fashion, movies and music.

Last night the group came over to my house with their Wii remotes and a snack to share. I was a little nervouse about how the night would go but it ended up being so fun. They didn't mind us trying to dance or sing with them. They loved that we jumped right in. (Here is Gary the co-leader dad doing the Monster Mash w/ the kids. They picked something "old school" that he recognized.)

Back to relationships, isn't that what all of us want? We want loving relationships where we feel accepted, encouraged and a part of a community. Sometimes we try to complicate things, make big programs, read books, go to leader training to become the best spiritual leader we can. Don't get me wrong, these things can be good. But maybe, just maybe, we lose something getting wrapped up in all of that. Maybe we need to stick to the basics of loving God and loving people.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Matthew 22:37-40

Why Me?

Do you ever struggle with why me? Why did this happen to me? Why does my child have to struggle so hard? Why is my family hurting?

I’ve been caught up in it. A big why me went like this; all my life I wanted a Mama’s boy, a boy full of affection who I could take walks with, tuck into bed and talk to, why can’t he go to sleep? Why can’t I give him a proper hug? Why can’t he just say, I love you?

Why does my son have autism?

Why, why, why…

It’s easy for me to fall into a pity party. I’ve been judged, anyone ever here, “if you just disciplined your son you wouldn’t have these problems.” I’ve felt attacked. Anyone else have a disagreement in an IEP, one against ten? I’ve been accused of resorting to quackery. Has anyone ever given your child a food you asked them not to?

Poor, poor, poor me…

You know what I’ve learned, to put it bluntly, this type of thinking sucks. It doesn’t help me, encourage me, or give me any kind of strength. As a matter of fact, this kind of thinking can cause me to fall deeper into depression, immobilize me, and can fill me with fear.

When I get caught up in these moments in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy language I work on retraining my thoughts. The bible calls this “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

This is what retraining my thoughts looks like.

Autism has humbled me. Before I had my son I had a successful career, but I was shallow and prideful. I would have been the one to tell you, “just give me your child for a weekend and I bet I can get him back on track. After all everyone knows, poorly behaved children are a result of poor parenting skills…"

Autism has changed my perspective on what’s important. Today I’m thankful for a healthy family, thankful my son can talk, thankful my marriage is intact, thankful I have enough food to eat, a roof over my head and a means of continuing to provide that for my family. Take a look at the world many people can’t say that.

Autism has drawn me closer to God. I don’t believe that God is punishing me. That’s simply not the truth of the Bible. I believe God is using “all things for good.” I’m a better, stronger, more tolerant, understanding, and forgiving person now. I can relate to so many more people. I don’t want to pretend to be perfect, or have it all together, perfect people aren’t approachable and they aren’t real. I’m flawed just like you, and I want to love you! Not because I’m mother Teresa, believe me I’m not! But because God has loved on me through this and given me more love to share, “my cup over flows.”

I do my best to answer my why me’s now simply with this statement:

Autism is a trial and it is a gift. I know God uses all things for His good because I can see it in my life.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:3-6

Fighting for Geometry

Sometimes on the inside I just want to scream. You can look at me I look calm, I talk intelligently, but on the inside my mind is going crazy. This happened at my son's latest IEP. His math teacher didn't want to put G in regular Geometry. G had a B- the last semester of Algebra and he didn't want to put G in regular Geometry? When I asked him why, he said that he didn't think G could "handle it."

As soon as I heard that a slew of curse words went running through my mind, I could feel my muscles tense up, and I had to take a deep breath because I wanted to take that teacher by his tie and string him up!

Its time like these I have inner wars with myself. I'm suppose to love my enemies according to the teachings of Jesus. Enemies against me and what I want to do I can handle that, but when I perceive someone as against my son...

I'll be honest I wasn't kind, I wasn't very civil, but I didn't lash out. Instead I asked if anyone else with a B average had to take remedial Geometry?

"No, but that's not the point. I don't think he can handle it."

With a slew of obscenities flying through my mind, I prayed God please help me because I want this guy to go down. Then I said, "I think my son deserves the same opportunities as any other student. I'm not asking for special accommodations, a tutor, or exceptions. I'm just asking you to treat him like anyone else. I'll never sign an IEP that I feel violates my son's rights."

At this point the administrator broke in and said something like of course G could go into regular Geometry and if we need to switch classes mid semester we can look at it. To be honest I can't remember exact words because I was in a blur, trying to hold myself together, trying not to give the math teacher the evil eye, trying to be like Jesus.

Then the meeting was over, I got what I felt G needed, and everyone seemed fine. I'm glad I didn't burn another bridge. I know this might sound crazy, but I don't feel angry towards the math teacher I just feel peaceful.

You Are Not a Mistake

My son started his second year of high school today. I know this is going to sound like a cliché, but I remember sending him off to kindergarten like it was yesterday. He knows he has autism, he knows that some things that are easy for others are hard for him. He knows that in some subjects he has to work much harder to keep up. In junior high he went through a time where he didn't want to be different.

He felt like he was a mistake.

It's hard to watch somebody go through something like that. However, deep within my heart I know he is not a mistake. I know that he was made to be exactly the way he is. I know that God is going to do something great through him. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” My son is no accident. He's a wonderfully made work of art. He was created by a God who wants to be close to him, to guide him, and to use him to do something wonderful.

I remind him of this often.

I believe this with all my heart about my kids.

I believe this about myself.

I believe this about you.

Choosing Not to Be Offended

I have been described as easy-going. When I take those personality tests I usually fall into the “sanguine" category. If you invite me to lunch I don't care where we go, I'll eat just about anything. What's important to me is that you invited me to lunch, and I get to spend time with you. I once heard a pastor say that he and his wife decided that they would not get offended. I thought about that for a long time. Deciding not to be offended by others means that you automatically give them the benefit of the doubt.

I heard that quote when I was 22, and I decided to follow their example. It's not always easy to assume the best of others. Especially when I feel like I'm being judged, or I feel a need to protect my ego. What does protecting my ego look like? Well it usually go something like this:

I try something new, which I do all the time, and I fail. Then someone comes along and points out my failure, and proceeds to tell me how I should have done things. Now at this point I can usually see my mistakes so it doesn't feel good to have someone point it out to me. My ego kicks in and I want to make myself look good, I want to justify myself, or say something sarcastic, to put the other person in their place...

However, if I do that then I'm judging the other person's motives. Also, when I do that, I usually don't feel good afterwards. So I'm trying to bite my tongue, say thank you for the advice and move on. I notice that these situations tend to happen a lot with younger parents. You see they are excited, their child is making progress, they're feeling good about where they are in life and they're eager to help others. I understand that feeling and the desire to help, and I'm sure I've said a lot of stupid things to other parents as well.

I feel a lot better when I think of people in this light. It also helps me to follow the words of Jesus: You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. (Matthew 7:5).

This Christian's Thoughts on the Death Penalty

In 2000 my stepson, Dustin Arnwine, died. Through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, my husband felt compelled in court to forgive the man responsible for his death. I'm always shocked by the response of many Christians when I tell them I'm against the death penalty. I could talk for a long time about the injustices in our current judicial system regarding this issue. But the truth is I didn't come to this position because of that. I am against the death penalty because I follow Jesus and I believe He doesn't want me to support it.

If you are a Jesus follower, here are a few things I hope you will prayerfully consider.

A few thought from the New Testament

We are now dwelt with the Holy Spirit and commanded to love our enemies Luke 6:27,28. In John 8 when the woman was caught in adultery, Jesus stopped the stoning and told her to go and sin no more, in effect he stopped her execution. Stephen, the first Christian martyr, as he was dying “fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.” Acts 7:60


What does Jesus say about murder?

Matthew 5:21-22: You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Matthew 5:38-39: You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

I believe all human life is sacred. We are all made in God's image. He loves everyone, and has the power to change anyone. Need some proof of this? Just check out Abounding Love Ministries , its just one example of what God is currently doing through a convicted murderer:

What is enough?

My husband and I have been looking for a house, hoping to become first time home owners. Its an interesting journey with lots of talk about what we "can" afford. The question we both keep coming back to is what do we need? What is enough?

I remember when both my children were very young my husband and I lived in Hayward CA. We had one car, so I often put my children in a stroller and walked to the grocery store. One day a man was shot and killed in broad daylight right where I often walked. I prayed and asked God to please move us. About six months later, we were able to move to Concord CA.

When I moved to Concord I was thrilled with our new home. It was a two bedroom duplex in a a cul de sac. It was neat, clean and best of all safe. After a few months I was invited to dessert at another woman's house. I decided to go with a new friend from church. The next evening when I met my friend at her house I was stunned. It was so beautiful with a nice large kitchen, living room, dining room, each child had their own room and they had a garden in the back. I always wanted a house like that.

We left together for the gathering. When we got to the other woman's home I was overwhelmed. I truly had never seen a home so beautiful. It looked like it was a home right out of a magazine- the guest bathroom was larger than my kitchen. At the end of the night my friend and I left together, as she started the car she turned to me and said, "I always wanted a house like that." She continued to talk, but I can't tell you a thing she said.

Her words hit my heart, and then I felt God whisper a question to me: what happened to your gratefulness? I lost it the moment I wanted what someone else had, I lost my contentment. I am constantly bombarded with messages that what I have isn't enough, I don't look good enough, I don't do enough, I need more...

We are all bombarded with these messages.

When we listen to these messages we lose our thankfulness and become discontent.

I don't want to get caught up in the race for something bigger or better.

Oh God please give me the wisdom to make the right decision. Help me to be content with myself, my family, and all of the things you have given me. Please help me to make wise choices so that I can be generous with my time, money and talent.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." I Timothy 6:6

Saying Sorry

I don't know why its so hard to say "I'm sorry." It shouldn't be hard to say, after all none of us would be arrogant enough to say, I'm perfect. Therefore, if we know we aren't perfect it stands to reason that we know we will make mistakes. If we know we will make mistakes, then we should just know we are going to have to say sorry.

Sorry for the ramble!

The other night I was cranky with the Hubbo. So cranky he said "forget this" and went and hung out in our room, away from the TV, a big thing for him. Can I tell you I just sat in a chair fighting what I knew I should do, apologize.

I tried to rationalize it... He was bugging me, i.e. asking for my help when he should have just tried to figure it out on his own. Its not a big deal, i.e. it doesn't matter if I'm rude to him. He should know better, i.e. he should be able to read my mind. You get the picture.

Times like these its hard to be a follower of Jesus. If I wasn't a follower I would just shrug it off and think he'll get over it. But Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as you would yourself." Jesus wants me to treat the Hubbo the way I want someone to treat me, ie: care about him and his feelings. This means leaving my favorite TV show, humbling myself and admitting I'm wrong, asking for forgiveness, and THEN doing my best not to do it again.

So I went in the room and said I was sorry. Not because I felt like doing it. I said I was sorry because I knew it was the right thing to do. Sometimes I have to do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. Sometimes I feel better afterwards, sometimes I don't. I wish I could say askig for forgivness wasn't a problem for me, but the truth is I'm still struggling with it.

Remember

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I'm a zebra. The women at my church meet and try to encourage each other in life and in our faith. Each month we work on something, this month we are remembering things God has taught us.

In one year my step son died, my parents divorced and my son was diagnosed with autism. I always thought I was a strong person, but that year brought me to my knees. A few verses became very special to me. They are:

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Hebrews 13:5,6 God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Things in life hit me hard, I often feel like I've been thrown under a bus... I've heard people say faith is a crutch, for me its more like a stretcher, I don't think I could get out of bed without my relationship with God.

Exhausted

Well it has been an exhausting few weeks, but God has been good. We moved and my son went back into school. The transitions was great. The first day was hard, but then my son was able to meet up with a boy from our church who introduced him to several other kids. Now G has a whole group of kids to eat lunch with. Nick, the boy, told his mom, "Geoffrey is quiet but he's nice we like him." Hooray! He has no assistant because he wants to do this himself. My heart is so overwhelmed with thankfulness. I am amazed at how far he has come in the last eleven years!

Meanwhile, I continue to go back and forth to the hospital to visit with my Mom. She is now at a convalescent hospital and is learning to walk again. We still don't know if she will be able to walk unassisted, but we are so thankful her mind was not damaged.

I've been falling into bed each night because my days are so full. However, I have a peace from God that I am so thankful for. I read the following this morning: Psalm 27:13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Sounds good doesn't it? Lets be strong together, take heart and wait for the Lord.

Faith in what is Unseen

Bonnie & Bev at the Japanese Tea

I had an interesting talk this week with a wonderful professional woman. As we talked it became clear that she was a christian. She made the comment that as a professional its hard to know if one should or shouldn't associate themselves as "christian" since being a christian has a negative stereotype associated with it. I've met a lot of people like myself, who are not what a stereotypical "christian" is suppose to be. They are regular people who have fallen in love with Jesus. OK reading that I know it sounds weird, let me put it this way, the more I learn about Jesus the more I want to learn about Him AND there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way I do.

The thing is I don't know how to be different. Sometimes my life is a train wreak and the only way I can get through it is through the strength and help my faith provides. One of my closest friends died this week. I've cried like crazy because I'm missing her sooooo much, but I'm comforted because I know I will see her again. This comfort allows me to be thankful in the midst of my pain. I'm thankful because the last time she got out of the house was with me and we went to an amazing Japanese Tea together. I'm thankful that a couple days before she died I made a cake she loved and she was able to eat some of it. I'm thankful we visited together on her last day inside her earthly body. I can't get through these things without Jesus. I wish this didn't offend people, but I can't live any other way.

39 + 1

Well I hit another decade and I'm having a hard time saying the word

40!

How can this be happening? I still feel like in my heart I'm 25. Thankfully my friends only had me blow out one symbolic candle... 40 surly would have made the whip cream melt! :-P

I feel blessed I have my family, good friends, some Kona coffee and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

Peace be with you my friends.

Ricky

I have a homeless friend named Ricky. He is mentally ill and for a long time I avoided him because at times he acted so unusual it made me feel uncomfortable. For example, one time I drove by him running all over the McDonald's parking lot chasing some Sea Gulls. I was giving another homeless friend some socks when he ran up to me and said, "these birds are bullies and I hate bullies" then he bowed and smiled at me with a huge toothless grin and ran off again.

Hmmmm I could give more stories here, but you get the point.

The other day I saw Ricky and started to talk to him. A shop owner approached us and said, "Will you explain to him that if he wants to come into my store then he has got to behave." I started thinking will I explain to him? Why me? This guy is mentally ill and I'm not even sure how we became friends. Plus what does "behaving" look like. Do you mean appropriate behaviors, when purchasing an item, or asking for assistance, this could take all day...

I turned to Ricky and awkwardly said, "He would like you to be nice." The man walked back into his store and Ricky looked like he was going to cry. He told me that God was mad at him and its hard when God is mad. Then he showed me his hands there were scars on the palms of them. I have no idea how they got there. His arms were dirty with open sores, his hair long and matted, his skin weathered deeply tanned and dirty. I felt like for the first time I truly saw him. Just then I felt my heart break with compassion. He is a homeless mentally ill man who seems to have no safety net, living in a state that continues to cut services for the mentally ill.

I've been praying that God would somehow use me or give me the words to explain to Ricky that he matters and that Jesus loves him so much he died for him. I want to be an extension of God's love. I'm thinking of making him some turkey stuffing. He loves the stuff. Is it too corny to say here's some stuffing I made it because I want you to know God loves you and wants you to be his son?